Redneck Humor...I know I am bad...

  THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY

* I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
* Duct tape won't fix that.
* Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
* We don't keep firearms in this house.
* Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
* You can't feed that to the dog.
* I thought Graceland was tacky.
* No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
* Wrasslin's fake.
* Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
* We're vegetarians.
* Do you think my hair is too big?
* I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
* Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
* Who's Richard Petty?
* Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
* Deer heads detract from the decor.
* Spitting is such a nasty habit.
* I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
* Trim the fat off that steak.
* Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
* The tires on that truck are too big.
* I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
* I've got it all on a floppy disk.
* Unsweetened tea tastes better.
* Would you like you fish poached or broiled?
* My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
* I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
* Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
* Checkmate.
* She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
* Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
* Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
* I don't have a favorite college team.
* Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
* I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
* Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
* Elvis who?

how can you make this up????

redneck prom

Does anyone else think this is just so wrong???



REDNECK PICK UP LINES

Did you just fart??? Cause you blew me away!

My love for you is like diarrhea..I just can't hold it in.

Baby, you're finer than a new set of snow tires.

Baby, you are prettier than a beer truck pullling up in the driveway.

Are your parents retarded??  Cause you sure are special!

You may not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hey baby!! Nice tooth!

Your eyes are bluer than Windex.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

OK OK OK enough purient humor!!!  I hope no one is offended... but then I never claimed to be politically correct!!

(If I haven't offended you...trust me at some point I probably will)

If you die tomorrow, what is on your computer???

Well that is an very interesting question..so I looked around on my computer...many many pictures of food...many many pictures of Doug... many many pictures of my family and friends...a ton of eclectic music mp3's....lots of pictures Diane has sent me of lots of things..and many oddly funny cartoons and jokes.. I realized as weird as it all may be..it's nothing those who know and love me would be surprised at..

I am a sensuous & crazy woman who loves life's luxuries - tastes, smells, sounds, feelings, images... I need to indulge this part of me- delicious, tantalizing food and drink; gently scented candles, perfumes, powders, incense; wonderful music from sexy, sulty jazz to bone-shaking blues; soft, comfortable clothing and richly textured bedding and surrounded by beautiful, peaceful colors. I am a dreamer with my feet firmly planted in the stars.  When I love a man I devote my self to him, his pleasure, his joy and him alone..he becomes my everything!! And I want it that way! I encourage to explore what makes you happy... not what others say should make you happy.. but what do YOU love?

I love music...and I have always been a sucker for a mean guitar...music is a way to express my soul....my life is "interesting right now"... "I got this feeling that something ain't right.. I am trying to make sense of it all, but I can see it makes no sense at all..I don't think I can take any more..I have clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right" like I said "INTERESTING"...hahahaha I am wiccan but not spooky... (very much)... and I collect teddybears, bunnies and seashells.I love Cape Cod- all seasons. I love Disneyworld...I would live there if I could! lol ..

I believe that we are magic, all things are possible, life is precious,  peace is reasonable, laughter is special, miracles are everywhere, blessings are divine, love is the best thing ever.

NOT CAPABLE OF BEING SILENCED OR SUBDUED (ask Doug or Diane).  If I am with you it will be because I WANT to NOT because HAVE to. If I am your friend,  it's because I love you unconditionally. The things I love best have no price tag. The people I love best are more precious to me than diamonds.

I found this..hysterically funny..at least I think so...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second!

Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: { [logged off]

I guess to see the humor in this you have to understand cybering...hehehehe.. trust me this is too damn funny!!

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem...be sure you aren't surrounded by assholes.

The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it.  The second time you look to see if the basement has termites.  It's the same with men.  ~Lupe Velez


A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is.  I don't think it works like that.  I think it's the opposite.  I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become.  ~Anita Wise

Few women care what a man looks like, and a good thing too.  ~Mignon McLaughlin

DRUNKEN MEATBALLS..or Honest Ociffer, I was just eating meatballs

MMMM drunken meatballs...sounds odd tastes yummy...believe me...I would never lie to you..especially about food..now about using liquor in recipes...DO IT!!!  really...truly.. and the cardinal rule about using liquor in recipes..DON'T USE ANYTHING UNLESS YOU WOULD PUT IN A GLASS AND DRINK IT!!!  That goes for beer, wine and hard liquors... use top shelf or don't bother.

who wrote that????

DRUNKEN MEATBALLS

3 lbs. hamburger meat

1 lg. grated onion

1 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. pepper

1/2 tsp. garlic powder

1 tsp. season salt

1 (12 oz.) can beer

1 (14 oz.) bottle ketchup

1/4 c. water

Mix hamburger with spices and onion. Shape bite-size meatballs and drop into sauce made up of beer, ketchup, and water. Simmer until sauce thickens (at least 2 hours). Serve as hors d'oeuvres in chafing dish.

DRUNKEN MEATBALLS part 2

 Bourbon Whiskey Meatballs

1 pound Bag Frozen Meatballs (cheater!!! lol)
½ cups Ketchup (Heaping)
½ cups Brown Sugar, Packed
¼ cups Bourbon Whiskey
1 teaspoon Fresh Lemon Juice
1 teaspoon Worcestershire Sauce

NOTE: 1 bag of (1 pound) frozen meatballs is only about 18 to 20 larger size meatballs. That is perfect for a small get-together. But if you’re going to a larger party, you might want to get TWO bags of meatballs, and in that case you would then DOUBLE the above recipe.

In a medium bowl, combine all ingredients except your meatballs. Mix up really well.
Place your frozen meatballs into your crock pot, and pour the whiskey sauce in on top. Mix it up all around so each meatball is coated with the whiskey sauce.

Now turn up the heat to high. Leave it on high for about an hour, stirring a couple times.
Once it appears that the meatballs have somewhat thawed, go ahead and turn your crock pot down to low.

You don’t want to burn all that wonderful whiskey sauce! That’s the best part!

Drunken Meatballs Part 3


Sweet and Sour Meatballs with a kick



lb. of ground beef
1/2 lb. of ground turkey
1/2 cup of plain bread crumbs (try for whole wheat)
1/4 cup chopped raw onion (finely chopped)
1 teaspoon of adobe seasoning
1 teaspoon of salt
and 1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder
1 teaspoon of dry mustard powder
1/2 teaspoon of ginger
1/4 teaspoon of black pepper, fine mill
2 tablespoons of purchased chili sauce
1 egg, beaten


Sauce:
1 jar of pineapple or apricot preserves
1/3 cup of chili sauce
1/4 cup of bourbon
1/2 teaspoon of hot pepper sauce (4 to 5 shakes)

The meatballs and the sauce can be prepared ahead separately, and kept covered for up to two days, just combine and reheat gently before serving.

Heat oven to 400 degrees.
In large bowl, combine all meatball ingredients, mix well.
Shape into slightly larger than one inch meatballs. Place on ungreased baking pan 15 x10 x
Bake for 20 minutes until thoroughly cooked.
Sauce, combine all sauce ingredients in sauce pan and mix well. Cook over low heat until bubbly, stirring often.
Add meatballs to sauce, stir gently to coat.
Serve in a slow cooker or fondue pot, chafing dish to keep warm for the guests. I count on 3 per person as a serving.


Now this sweet and sour meatball recipe has no alcohol in it.  I ate these before I ever saw the recipe..and good thing, cause if I saw it first I never would have tried one...but I am telling you..TRY THIS..you wont regret it!!

  Sweet and Sour Meatballs
1 pkg. frozen meatballs; home style
18 oz. jar grape jelly
1 jar chili sauce

Mix together in crock pot and turn on low. Cook 4 hours or until heated through

 (use homemade meatballs..so easy to make and tastes SOOOOO much better)






Homemade Meatballs

1/4 cup chopped Parsley

1.5 pounds lean ground beef

4 slices smoked bacon, diced (raw; don't cook it)

1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

1/4 cup Panko-style breadcrumbs

2 eggs

2 tablespoons dried minced onion flakes

1 tablespoon garlic powder

1/2 teaspoon kosher or sea salt

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

additional ingredients:

1 cup flour

2 cups chicken broth (can use beef)

1 (6-ounce) can tomato paste

The Directions.

Use a 6-quart slow cooker. Spray the inside of your cooker with cooking spray, or rub it down with a bit of olive oil (don't go crazy, just a little glisten) and set aside. In a good-sized mixing bowl, combine the chopped parsley, ground beef, and diced bacon. Add in Parmesan cheese, breadcrumbs, eggs, and the dried spices. Combine well--- Use your hands (remove rings, wash appropriately, and all that good stuff that if I had a legal team they'd tell me to include).

After the meat is mixed, line a cookie sheet with parchment paper or non-stick foil. Pour 1 cup of flour into a shallow dish (pie pan works great).

Roll meat into golf ball-sized balls and then lightly dust each meat ball with flour before placing onto the lined cookie sheet. When all the meat is gone, put the whole cookie sheet into the freezer for 1 hour, or until completely frozen. It's okay to freeze overnight, if you'd like to break this into two days (put in sealed dish/Tupperware if freezing for longer).

Once your meatballs are frozen, place them one-by-one (this means don't dump!) into your lightly greased slow cooker. It's okay to stack them. In a small mixing bowl, whisk together the broth and tomato paste to create a gravy. Pour this evenly over the meatballs. Cover, and cook on low for 5 hours, or until the meatballs have browned and are fully cooked. I cooked the meatballs pictured above on low for 5 hours, then let them sit on warm for another 3 1/2 hours before dinner was served.

I learned about the flour-and-freezing trick from the Internet--- it worked great, and is such a fantastic technique to keep the meat together. I already knew meatballs didn't need to be browned in the slow cooker beforehand but dredging them in flour first gives a bit more of a "crusty" texture and thickens the tomato gravy beautifully.

The Internet is so much fun!

Outback Steakhouse Shrimp on the Barbie- copycat recipe

I like shrimp..I like grilling..hence I like grilled shrimp
I researched a bunch of recipes and this one is outstanding..
and easy..so in the spirit of those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer.. grill on, my little foodies!!

OK so I am cheating...lol...using the outback recipe..but hell, it's good!!

Outback Steakhouse Shrimp on the Barbie


1 pound jumbo shrimp
olive oil
1 splash white wine

***Dry Rub for Shrimp***
1/4 teaspoon poultry seasoning
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper, to taste
1/8 teaspoon white pepper
1/8 teaspoon onion powder
1 tablespoon garlic powder, to taste


Mix all ingredients for the dry rub. Coat shrimp with rub and let sit for one hour.

Saute the shrimp in olive oil, adding the white wine. Only cook until the shrimp are pink on each side. Do not overcook.

To cook on the grill: Baste the coated shrimp with olive oil and white wine. Grill over medium heat until just cooked (pink on both sides).

Cooking shrimp only takes a few minutes.

The recipe is good! It tastes a lot like Outback's. However, I would caution you with the Cayenne pepper. The amount the recipe calls for makes them VERY spicy. I think they are better without it all. But, that's my preference.

Making Up for Lost Time...Cheesy Bacon Wings et al

Wow..I have really been slacking..must be the heat...or something!!

Feels like 110 in the shade these days..so much for loving summer!!  Personally, I would prefer chocolate chunk cookies for dinner!! Food has less appeal during sweltering summer nights.  So let us eat bacon!!  Bacon makes everything better...
But we will get back up to speed, my little foodies!!  Thought we would snack since it is too hot to eat!

(looks weird...tastes amazing!)

Cheesy Bacon Wings
OK cheese and bacon and wings.....mmmm 
I think know Doug would approves


10 whole fresh chicken wings
2 tsp Jamaican Style Jerk Seasoning
2 tsp kosher salt
1 tsp fresh cracked black pepper
juice of 6 Key limes (or 1 regular lime)
1/4 cup canola oil


Combine the Jerk Seasoning, salt, pepper, lime juice, and oil in a mixing bowl. Whisk until incorporated.


Cut chicken wings at the “joints”, separating the wing form the drumette (discard the wing tip or reserve for stock).


Add the wing and drumette pieces to the marinade and toss to coat. Pour the chicken pieces into a plastic zipper bag and seal tight. Marinate refrigerated 12-24 hours, mixing at least twice.


Place the marinated chicken on a rack or broiler pan and bake at 325° for 20 minutes. Turn and bake another 20 minutes. Remove from the oven and allow the chicken to cool while preparing the bacon and cheesy sauce.

To prepare bacon..


10 strips thick sliced hickory smoked bacon (cook more to eat while you are making the wings)
1/4 cup brown sugar


Preheat oven to 325° and place bacon on slotted rack or broiler pan. Cook for 20 minutes then flip and cook another 30-40 minutes until just crispy.
Flip again and sprinkle liberally with brown sugar. Cook another 10-15 minutes until the sugar is melted. Crumble the bacon once cooled.


To prepare the cheesy sauce you’ll need:

• 3 Tbsp unsalted butter
• 1 clove garlic, pressed or grated
• 1 tsp kosher salt
• 1/2 tsp fresh cracked black pepper
• 3 Tbsp all purpose flour
• 1/2 cup white wine
• 2 cups whole milk
• 2 cups grated smoked cheddar cheese
• 1 cup grated farmers cheese
• cayenne pepper to taste
• Hot Sauce to taste
• salt to taste
• chopped chives or parsley for garnish

In a medium saucepan (enamel cookware preferred), melt the butter over medium heat. Press or grate the garlic clove into the butter and saute a few minutes (do not allow the butter to brown and adjust the heat down if necessary).


Add the flour and saute another 5 minutes stirring frequently. Pour in the wine and stir constantly for 1-2 more minutes until the roux is light brown and bubbly.


Add the milk slowly, about 1/4 cup at a time while stirring (this should produce a creamy sauce with no lumps).


Turn up the heat to medium high and continue stirring the roux milk mixture. Turn off the heat just after the sauce begins to boil.


Sprinkle the shredded cheese mixture into the sauce a little at a time. Keep stirring and allow each sprinkle of cheese to melt before adding another.


Once all of the cheese has melted, stir in cayenne pepper, Hot Sauce and salt to taste.


Allow the cheesy sauce to sit and cool slightly while broiling the wings.
Preheat the broiler on high. Broil the wings and drumettes, about 6 inches from the heat source, for 3-5 minutes until just crispy and light brown. (or throw the chicken on the grill)


Turn the chicken pieces and broil another 3-5 minutes until just crispy.  


Dunk the wings in the cheesy sauce and portion 4-5 per plate.


The more bacon the better!

Guacamole

3 Haas avocados, halved, seeded and peeled

1 lime, juiced

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

1/2 teaspoon ground cumin

1/2 teaspoon cayenne

1/2 medium onion, diced

2 Roma tomatoes, seeded and diced

1 tablespoon chopped cilantro

1 clove garlic, minced

In a large bowl place the scooped avocado pulp and lime juice, toss to coat. Drain, and reserve the lime juice, after all of the avocados have been coated. Using a potato masher add the salt, cumin, and cayenne and mash. Then, fold in the onions, tomatoes, cilantro, and garlic. Add 1 tablespoon of the reserved lime juice. Let sit at room temperature for 1 hour and then serve with corn chips or whateva.

southern comfort food..I am told

Easy Pimento Cheese

1/2 pound Cheddar cheese, shredded (recommended: Colby)

1/2 pound Pepper Jack cheese, shredded

1 (4-ounce) jar diced pimentos, plus 2 tablespoons juice

1/2 red onion, diced

1 cup mayonnaise

3 cloves garlic, finely minced

1 teaspoon hot smoked paprika

1/2 teaspoon ground celery seed

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 loaf white sandwich bread, sliced into diagonal pieces

In a medium bowl, combine cheeses, pimentos and pimento juice, onion, mayonnaise, garlic, paprika, and celery seed. Mix well and season with salt and pepper, to taste. Refrigerate until ready to serve. Transfer the cheese spread to a serving bowl and serve with the bread.

Farm in a Blanket

1 tablespoon oil

1 small red onion, chopped

1 cup golden raisins

1 (8-ounce) tube crescent rolls (recommended: Pillsbury)

12 slices (about 3 ounces) provolone

12 slices (6 ounces) Genoa or other salami

1 tablespoon black poppy seeds

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. In a medium saute pan over medium heat add the oil and saute onions and raisins until both are tender, about 10 minutes. Set aside to cool.
Roll out 6 of the crescent pastry rolls and slice in half forming 2 triangles and 12 pieces total. To assemble, place a piece of salami and cheese on 1 triangle. Add a dollop of the onion mixture in the center. Starting at the wider edge, roll the crescent triangle to form a small croissant. Place seam side down on a baking sheet. Repeat with remaining ingredients. Sprinkle poppy seeds over each roll and bake for 13 to 15 minutes or until golden brown

Bacon Wrapped Scallops with Spicy Mayo

1 1/2 pound large scallops

1/2 pound thin-sliced bacon

Extra-virgin olive oil

Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 cup good quality mayonnaise

1/4 cup hot chili paste

1 lime, juiced

2 tablespoons chopped cilantro, plus more for garnish

2 heads Bibb lettuce, washed

3 avocados, sliced

Heat the broiler. Wrap each scallop in a piece of bacon and secure it with a toothpick. Place the bacon wrapped scallops onto a baking sheet, drizzle them with olive oil, and season them with salt and pepper. Cook them under the broiler for about 10 to 15 minutes until the bacon is cooked through, turning once.

Make the spicy mayo by combining the mayonnaise, chili paste, lime juice, and chopped cilantro. Stir well and refrigerate until ready to use.

To serve, carefully peel away the lettuce leaves and line a large platter with the lettuce cups. Top each with a bacon wrapped shrimp, 2 slices of avocado, and a spoonful of spicy mayonnaise. Garnish with cilantro leaves.

Mini Italian Club Sandwiches

3 large eggs

2 tablespoons whipping cream

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1 tablespoon (about) unsalted butter

10 slices bacon

2 (8-ounce) round loaves focaccia bread (7-inch diameter)

1 cup purchased pesto

8 ounces thinly sliced turkey

4 ounces thinly sliced provolone cheese

Whisk the eggs, cream, salt, and pepper in a medium bowl until well blended. Heat a 6-inch-diameter nonstick skillet over medium-low heat. Brush the skillet with some butter. Pour 1/4 cup of the egg mixture into the pan, swirling to coat the bottom of the pan evenly. Cover and cook until the egg crepe is just set, about 1 minute and 30 seconds. Invert the skillet over a plate, and allow the egg crepe to drop onto the plate. Repeat to make 4 crepes total, brushing the skillet with melted butter as needed and stacking crepes on the plate.

Cook the bacon in a heavy large frying pan until crisp. Transfer the bacon to paper towels to drain.

Preheat a griddle or grill pan over medium-high heat. Cut the focaccia horizontally in half. Place the focaccia cut side down on the griddle and cook until the focaccia is heated through and golden brown on the bottom, about 2 minutes. Spread the pesto over the toasted sides of each halved focaccia. Cover the bottom halves of the focaccia with the egg crepes, turkey, provolone and bacon, dividing equally. Cover with the top halves of focaccia, pesto side down. Cut the sandwich into bite-size wedges. Arrange the sandwiches on a platter and serve.

Bacon Wrapped Breadsticks

4 1/2-ounce box sesame seed breadsticks

16-ounce package bacon

8-ounce container grated Parmesan

Wrap breadsticks in bacon. Place on cookie sheet and bake for 30 minutes. Dredge through Parmesan while hot. Allow to cool and crisp, then serve.

BLT Appetizer

how lazy can you be??  I want a BLT but don't want to make a sandwich..lol

1 cup mayonnaise

1 cup sour cream

Iceberg lettuce, shredded

2 large vine-ripe tomatoes, chopped

1 pound lean bacon, cooked crisp and crumbled

Sea salt bagel chips

Combine the mayonnaise and sour cream in a small bowl with a snap-on lid. When well mixed, refrigerate until serving time. When ready to serve, place the mayonnaise mixture in a large serving bowl. Top with the lettuce, tomatoes and bacon. Serve with bagel chips.

Pigs in Pretzel Blankets

24 Lil Smoky wieners

Pretzel Dough:
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon sugar
2 1/4 teaspoons instant yeast
1 cup (8 ounces) very warm water

Topping:
1/2 cup warm water
1 tablespoons baking soda
Coarse salt
3 tablespoons butter, melted

Directions
In a large bowl or the bowl of an electric mixer add the yeast, sugar, and warm water together and allow to sit for five minutes. Add in the salt and flour and knead until you have a soft, smooth dough that is slightly sticky to the touch. Knead the dough, by hand or machine, for an additional 5 minutes. The goal is to get a really soft dough that isn’t overly sticky. Lightly flour the dough and place it in a plastic bag. Close the bag, leaving room for the dough to expand to double the size, and let it rest for about 30 minutes.

Preheat your oven to 500°F. Transfer the dough to a lightly greased work surface, and divide it into 24 equal pieces. Allow the pieces to rest, uncovered, for 5 minutes. While the dough is resting, combine the 1/2 cup warm water and the baking soda, and place it in a shallow bowl or pie plate. Make sure the baking soda is thoroughly dissolved.

Roll each piece of dough into a long, thin rope (about six inches long), and wrap it around one of the hot dog wieners, pinching the ends into themselves to hold firm. Next, immerse each one in the baking soda wash (this will give the pretzels a nice, golden-brown color), and place them on the baking sheets. Sprinkle them lightly with coarse, kosher, or pretzel salt. Allow them to rest, uncovered, for 10 minutes.

Bake for 7 to 9 minutes or until they’re golden brown. Remove from the oven, and brush them thoroughly with the melted butter. Serve with ketchup and mustard.

Super Roast Beef Sliders 
24 dinner rolls
Deli-sliced roast beef
24 slices sharp cheddar or Swiss cheese
12 slices of cooked bacon, cut in half
1/2 cup butter
4 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon ground mustard
1 tablespoon poppy seeds (optional)
1 tablespoon sesame seeds (optional)

Slice dinner rolls and stuff with slices of roast beef, bacon and cheese. Place snugly in a baking dish. (I use two 9 x 13 baking dishes.) Melt butter, Worcestershire sauce, garlic powder, pepper, mustard, and seeds in a microwave-safe dish. Stir and then drizzle or brush evenly over all the rolls. Cover dishes with foil and bake for 30 minutes. Serve with horseradish sauce.